It dawned on me today, first of all the absence I have taken from blogging, as well as another anniversary of sorts. Tomorrow, November 2nd, is the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. Of course when I got on to write this blog I realized that my previous post was also about anniversary's, just a different one. It is strange what things we remember and what things we don't. I can very clearly remember my first kiss, finding out I was pregnant with Molly, graduation, that first ultra-sound, finding out she was a girl, seeing her take her first few breaths. But then other things are fuzzy, I don't remember driving for the first time, I do remember curbing it and ripping a hole open in my parents van though. : ) I don't really remember what it felt like to be huge pregnant, or my first day of my current job. But I do remember that phone call from the doctor on November 2nd, 2011. I don't think I will ever be able to forget it.
During this process, I have learned it is all about milestones. Maybe not ones that everyone experiences, but certainly ones I feel that I have gone through. Initial shock, and secrecy. Not knowing when it(the big "it" being infertility) is ever going to feel comfortable to talk about. Grief, lots of grief. Healing. More grief. Latest stage is the feeling of normalcy. Life, for the most part, is finally starting to feel normal. I was thrown a recent curve ball that sent me into a reckless downward spiral unfortunately. However, I feel like I have an amazing support system of friends and family who made the process easier to handle. I think my level of acceptance has also changed, I am starting to accept this life. I tried for a year to fight it and try to make it something that it's not. I don't know if the recent hurricane devastation has put things better into perspective for me, but I am starting to feel more OK then I have in a long time. Do I still get upset, of course. I am human after all.
With all that being said. I am ecstatic it is almost Christmas. Ok... Not almost, but a lot closer than it was the last time I posted! I love Christmas. I am currently in last years Christmas PJ's, which yes are footy pajamas. So many traditions, so much family time, I just love all of it! I have already pretty much decided what everyone is getting this year. I haven't officially started shopping yet, but I will be soon. I like to have everything planned before black Friday so I can do online shopping the day of.
I wish I had more to report, but really we are just living these days. We spent a wonderful weekend with my family a couple weeks ago. Went to Hershey Park in the Dark. Had tons of wonderful laughs. Enjoyed every minute. I have been working extra the last few weeks to save for Christmas, and attempt to get the balance on this credit card down. Molly is still loving school, she is by far one of the smartest in her class. And from what I hear is very well behaved when she is there. Mike is also doing well in school, it has been a difficult semester for him so far. He met with a few different advisers over the last few weeks to pick a major. I think we may finally have it down! Bio-Chem with a second major in either Chemistry or Biology. He wants to take a few upper level Chem classes before picking the second part. He will be in school a year longer then we had originally hoped. But it will mean he will graduate with two degrees and have a larger selection of job fields. And lastly a dog update. He got a good update from the vet at his last visit. They were pleased with the healing, which is pretty much finished now. They were able to start him on steroids as a cancer management. Besides excessive peeing and extra panting he seems to have adjusted to them well. She said if he seems comfortable, the dosage she has him on should delay re-growth of any cancer cells by a few years. So we are looking at a closer to normal life span! Woot! I did have to inform the animal that any money dedicated to him for Christmas has already been spent. : )
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
One Year
One long year has gotten us to this spot. I'd like to think a lot of things have changed, but really a lot of things are still the same. Changes- Molly is one year older, and smarter every minute. She is about to start her second year of pre-school and the last few evenings has spent hours playing with the neighborhood kids and cried when she had to come inside. Mike has started his second semester at McDaniel, we are all very proud of him. How he manages to juggle work and school and keep time for Molly is amazing. Believe me, I am frequently jealous that his co-workers spend more time with him then we do. But he could probably say the same for me these days. And as for me. I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was a year ago. Emotionally speaking that is. I've already had an emotionally rough start to September. After a very successful August, fertility wise, September has come in like a boulder. My period was four days late, later then I thought it would be, four days that I spent in bliss thinking I was pregnant. I know, it was silly of me to get that excited so early, but after a year of this it is hard not to. And currently I am failing to see the positive in this situation, which is, each month I get a period around "normal" time is one more month that my body is getting back to normal. So please, if you see me within the next few days try as hard as possible not to bring up babies or pregnant people. Unless you would like to see me cry that is.
I wish I was done with the bad news... But unfortunately September brought bad news for Mickey also. We had family pictures planned for this last weekend, so I decided I was going to get the dog groomed about a week before them so he would look handsome. Normally I do his grooming as a way to save money, but I decided to drop him off somewhere this time. Of course as soon as I picked him up from the groomer I noticed the giant growth that his hair had been hiding. Mortified I called the vet immediately to schedule an appointment. He has a few smaller lumps on his rib cage that have previously been seen by the vet and diagnosed as lypomas, which are just a fatty tumor common in older dogs. This one however was different, not only was it not near the rest of them, it was attached to the upper back of his right thigh, sort of hidden under his tail(and all the hair previously there). It was also very hard, and seemed to have lumps inside of it also. I felt like a terrible pet owner at this point, how did I not notice this? It was practically the size of a peach by the time the vet was able to see him. She knew right away it was bad news, he was seen on a Tuesday and they scheduled his surgery for the following Thursday.
His surgery went mostly according to plan, the tumor was much deeper then originally believed. His surgery ended up taking longer then expected and they had to take much more tissue then originally planned. They also had to put in a drain because of how deep his incision was. Because of the drain they wanted him to stay over night for observations. I reluctantly agreed. (knowing I was probably listening to money flying out of my bank account). During his surgery his doctor was concerned about the depth in which the tumor had spread, she was also concerned because there was obvious previous surgery on the area that suggested this was a re-growth. Of course since we only rescued him in January we have no previous medical history. Fearing the worst and hoping for the best we waited for the biopsy results. Yesterday when I took him to get his drain out the vet was able to share the results. The tumor was cancer. I started feeling my fingers tingle the moment I heard to word. He continued to explain that the tumor was Mast Cell Cancer. The rest of what I will be explaining will be my own research as well as what I remember from the doctor, I blocked out most of that conversation due to initial shock. Mickey's tumor although it was considered low grade, they have three or four grades for Mast Cell, was very complicated in his tissue and the lab could not confirm that a large enough margin around the tumor was taken. The best treatment option for this kind of cancer is surgery to remove infected cells, however because the operating vet didn't know what kind of tumor it was when operating she didn't know how much to take and was concerned more about taking too much because of recovery and him being able to have full use of his leg. We of course do not fault any decision made by the vet at the time of surgery. Of course the best plan is a second surgery, go back in and try to clean out the remainder of the bad cells. If this is an option, and it is determined that all cells are gone, Mickey could live happily with no re-growth for 5 to 6 years, a very healthy life span for a dog his size. However, currently we aren't sure if a second surgery is even an option. They took so much tissue the first time they aren't sure if there is much left to remove, they are also concerned about having enough skin to close the wound. Because Mast Cell tumors are not picky about what kinds of cells they take over, very frequently they are in the skin more than muscle. If a second surgery isn't an option we probably have about a year or two left with Mickey. Mast Cell tumors, when not treated can metastasis to other organs. They move typically to the spleen and intestines. The dog eventually dies from complications to these smaller tumors.
I know lately I have been closing with a positive or a funny note. But today I don't really have as many. Maybe later this week or early next week I will update again with something more upbeat. But for today, this is all. Going to spend time with both my kids while they are both still here and healthy.
I wish I was done with the bad news... But unfortunately September brought bad news for Mickey also. We had family pictures planned for this last weekend, so I decided I was going to get the dog groomed about a week before them so he would look handsome. Normally I do his grooming as a way to save money, but I decided to drop him off somewhere this time. Of course as soon as I picked him up from the groomer I noticed the giant growth that his hair had been hiding. Mortified I called the vet immediately to schedule an appointment. He has a few smaller lumps on his rib cage that have previously been seen by the vet and diagnosed as lypomas, which are just a fatty tumor common in older dogs. This one however was different, not only was it not near the rest of them, it was attached to the upper back of his right thigh, sort of hidden under his tail(and all the hair previously there). It was also very hard, and seemed to have lumps inside of it also. I felt like a terrible pet owner at this point, how did I not notice this? It was practically the size of a peach by the time the vet was able to see him. She knew right away it was bad news, he was seen on a Tuesday and they scheduled his surgery for the following Thursday.
His surgery went mostly according to plan, the tumor was much deeper then originally believed. His surgery ended up taking longer then expected and they had to take much more tissue then originally planned. They also had to put in a drain because of how deep his incision was. Because of the drain they wanted him to stay over night for observations. I reluctantly agreed. (knowing I was probably listening to money flying out of my bank account). During his surgery his doctor was concerned about the depth in which the tumor had spread, she was also concerned because there was obvious previous surgery on the area that suggested this was a re-growth. Of course since we only rescued him in January we have no previous medical history. Fearing the worst and hoping for the best we waited for the biopsy results. Yesterday when I took him to get his drain out the vet was able to share the results. The tumor was cancer. I started feeling my fingers tingle the moment I heard to word. He continued to explain that the tumor was Mast Cell Cancer. The rest of what I will be explaining will be my own research as well as what I remember from the doctor, I blocked out most of that conversation due to initial shock. Mickey's tumor although it was considered low grade, they have three or four grades for Mast Cell, was very complicated in his tissue and the lab could not confirm that a large enough margin around the tumor was taken. The best treatment option for this kind of cancer is surgery to remove infected cells, however because the operating vet didn't know what kind of tumor it was when operating she didn't know how much to take and was concerned more about taking too much because of recovery and him being able to have full use of his leg. We of course do not fault any decision made by the vet at the time of surgery. Of course the best plan is a second surgery, go back in and try to clean out the remainder of the bad cells. If this is an option, and it is determined that all cells are gone, Mickey could live happily with no re-growth for 5 to 6 years, a very healthy life span for a dog his size. However, currently we aren't sure if a second surgery is even an option. They took so much tissue the first time they aren't sure if there is much left to remove, they are also concerned about having enough skin to close the wound. Because Mast Cell tumors are not picky about what kinds of cells they take over, very frequently they are in the skin more than muscle. If a second surgery isn't an option we probably have about a year or two left with Mickey. Mast Cell tumors, when not treated can metastasis to other organs. They move typically to the spleen and intestines. The dog eventually dies from complications to these smaller tumors.
I know lately I have been closing with a positive or a funny note. But today I don't really have as many. Maybe later this week or early next week I will update again with something more upbeat. But for today, this is all. Going to spend time with both my kids while they are both still here and healthy.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Slowly moving along.
Slow and steady wins the race. That has been the household motto these days. So much exciting news this week and last week. First off, I have had three "normal" cycles since the beginning of June. And as much as I despise Aunt Flow, in times like these she is still welcomed, because she is a sign of things starting to work on there own again. Even bigger news about this, all were my bodies own doing. We haven't had a clomid cycle since the miscarriage and the last time I took provera was December. So my body is getting better, slowly but surely! I saw my lovely endocrinologist today. She was very happy with my blood work, everything is staying the same or continuing to improve. I still have not managed to lose any weight since I started seeing her. But I have manage to stop gaining weight, which in my mind is a huge success. So the next game plan is more exercise. She wants to see me again in February, so my goal is to lose 15lbs by then. Which is about what I have gained in the last year or so.
We also, sadly, found out we will not be able to afford any fertility treatments. The shared help program did come through for us, but it was only a 30% discount. So we would still be shelling out approx $600 a cycle with only the possibility of success. Even with the best doctors it can take five or six cycles to work. However, after days of sadness, we did manage to turn that into a positive. This is our sign, we can either get pregnant on our own or, adopt! So, my new plan is to put all of my current energy towards getting healthier and exercising more. And instead of saving money for fertility treatments we have decided to save towards adoption. So that hopefully we can have enough saved in a few years. Molly is still a little young right now, we want her to be able to understand more why we are choosing adoption so she can be more excited for her new sibling.
Another bit of good news today, my daycare license is almost finished!! I got a call today to schedule my fire marshal inspection for Wednesday! After I pass that, I only need to take this one class and pass my licensing inspection! I hope to have it all done by the time Molly starts school again, which is the end of September. Could not be more excited!
So, for my little moments since my last update. My entire family came to the restaurant last night while I was working. We have started a new tradition of Sunday Supper, and since I had to work last night they decided to join me at work again. It was wonderful to have them all there.
Mike starts school next week, I am thrilled and terrified for him. I just hope this semester goes smoothly for him. He will be full-time, but it is his second semester at McDaniel, so hopefully he will be ready for it.
And Molly is already showing signs of understanding basic math. Which to be honest is quite scary. Poor kid still has two years until kindergarten. I wish she would just slow down a little bit. No need to grow up so fast.
That's the update from the Cobb's. I probably won't be posting again until after we have family pictures taken, I will include a few in my next post. : )
We also, sadly, found out we will not be able to afford any fertility treatments. The shared help program did come through for us, but it was only a 30% discount. So we would still be shelling out approx $600 a cycle with only the possibility of success. Even with the best doctors it can take five or six cycles to work. However, after days of sadness, we did manage to turn that into a positive. This is our sign, we can either get pregnant on our own or, adopt! So, my new plan is to put all of my current energy towards getting healthier and exercising more. And instead of saving money for fertility treatments we have decided to save towards adoption. So that hopefully we can have enough saved in a few years. Molly is still a little young right now, we want her to be able to understand more why we are choosing adoption so she can be more excited for her new sibling.
Another bit of good news today, my daycare license is almost finished!! I got a call today to schedule my fire marshal inspection for Wednesday! After I pass that, I only need to take this one class and pass my licensing inspection! I hope to have it all done by the time Molly starts school again, which is the end of September. Could not be more excited!
So, for my little moments since my last update. My entire family came to the restaurant last night while I was working. We have started a new tradition of Sunday Supper, and since I had to work last night they decided to join me at work again. It was wonderful to have them all there.
Mike starts school next week, I am thrilled and terrified for him. I just hope this semester goes smoothly for him. He will be full-time, but it is his second semester at McDaniel, so hopefully he will be ready for it.
And Molly is already showing signs of understanding basic math. Which to be honest is quite scary. Poor kid still has two years until kindergarten. I wish she would just slow down a little bit. No need to grow up so fast.
That's the update from the Cobb's. I probably won't be posting again until after we have family pictures taken, I will include a few in my next post. : )
Monday, July 30, 2012
Brief Update
Sorry I have been absent for a few weeks, we've been having lots of family time and I am trying not to take away from it! Seeing as it is currently nap time and I just finished my book I thought an update would be a good idea.
Talked to the doctor a few weeks ago via phone appointment. Good news and bad news from him. Good news is all of our tests came back normal, no blockages, no abnormal blood work, and Mike passed his quiz with "flying colors". Of course, the bad news is then that there is nothing else that can be fixed. So the next step from there is drug treatment. When my next cycle starts(if it starts on it's own) I will be having quite the eventful time! Day 1 I have to call and schedule an ultrasound for Day 3. This ultrasound will be similar to the first one I had with there office, they will be looking at my ovaries to measure and count the number of follicles. This is to give a general base line. If the ultra sound looks good I will take Clomid from days 5-9. This is a fertility drug that is used to stimulate ovulation. On Day 11 or 12 I go back for another ultra sound, this time again to count and measure all the follicles. Ideally there should be one or two new follicles. If that is the case I am given what is called a "trigger shot". This will ideally release the egg and result in successful ovulation. Our doctor originally wanted to accompany this drug regimen with IUI(inter uterine insemination) which we had to decline because our insurance won't cover it and it can cost roughly 1,500 a cycle. So our doctor agreed to allow us to just time intercourse. He is comfortable with repeating this cycle up to six times. After that we will need to discuss other options.
Needless to say I was thrilled and overwhelmed after talking to him, luckily I took notes during our conversation. : ) I was feeling wonderful and optimistic about our chances. Of course that feeling couldn't last for two long because over the next week I got two different letters. The first was from my insurance company, I was already aware that my coverage for fertility would be lacking because I am a dependent on my parents insurance policy. I was told specifically that they would cover diagnostic tests but very few treatments. Shady Grove went ahead and contacted them anyways to find out a general coverage guideline now that we had an "official" diagnosis as far as they were concerned. So my first lovely letter was yet again another statement that even though I now have a diagnosed fertility problem they would still not authorize treatment. Wonderful, glad to know trying to fix me isn't within the guidelines of something you are willing to cover. The next letter was from Shady Grove. It was a summary of procedures that they would be performing and an approximate cost. My jaw obviously hit the floor when I found out that each of the two visits I would need per cycle would cost roughly $600. With of course no guarantee at success.
After getting over my initial shock I quickly filled out an application for there "Shared Help" program. It's a program designed for lower income families struggling with infertility. They take two years of your combined family income to determine whether or not you meet the income eligibility. They give a very vague idea of what to expect, all I was told is that you must be below $95,000 a year and it only covers a percentage of treatment. I am hoping that means it covers say... 90% of treatments. But we won't know for another few weeks. But of course now I feel like we need to apply for food stamps just to pay for fertility treatments.
Apart from the somewhat crappy news about insurance coverage we have had a really wonderful few weeks as a family. We took a day trip to Sandy Point Park last week and had a lovely picnic lunch, then went out for snowballs later in the evening with close friends. And this past weekend we went to a Frederick Keys game! Molly and Mike continue to keep me laughing, there latest is what they call "sumo wrestling" they both grab a couch pillow stomp like sumo wrestlers and then run full force into each other, effectively bouncing of the others pillow and falling on the floor in fits of laughter. I have to admit just watching I have almost peed my pants a few times.
Talked to the doctor a few weeks ago via phone appointment. Good news and bad news from him. Good news is all of our tests came back normal, no blockages, no abnormal blood work, and Mike passed his quiz with "flying colors". Of course, the bad news is then that there is nothing else that can be fixed. So the next step from there is drug treatment. When my next cycle starts(if it starts on it's own) I will be having quite the eventful time! Day 1 I have to call and schedule an ultrasound for Day 3. This ultrasound will be similar to the first one I had with there office, they will be looking at my ovaries to measure and count the number of follicles. This is to give a general base line. If the ultra sound looks good I will take Clomid from days 5-9. This is a fertility drug that is used to stimulate ovulation. On Day 11 or 12 I go back for another ultra sound, this time again to count and measure all the follicles. Ideally there should be one or two new follicles. If that is the case I am given what is called a "trigger shot". This will ideally release the egg and result in successful ovulation. Our doctor originally wanted to accompany this drug regimen with IUI(inter uterine insemination) which we had to decline because our insurance won't cover it and it can cost roughly 1,500 a cycle. So our doctor agreed to allow us to just time intercourse. He is comfortable with repeating this cycle up to six times. After that we will need to discuss other options.
Needless to say I was thrilled and overwhelmed after talking to him, luckily I took notes during our conversation. : ) I was feeling wonderful and optimistic about our chances. Of course that feeling couldn't last for two long because over the next week I got two different letters. The first was from my insurance company, I was already aware that my coverage for fertility would be lacking because I am a dependent on my parents insurance policy. I was told specifically that they would cover diagnostic tests but very few treatments. Shady Grove went ahead and contacted them anyways to find out a general coverage guideline now that we had an "official" diagnosis as far as they were concerned. So my first lovely letter was yet again another statement that even though I now have a diagnosed fertility problem they would still not authorize treatment. Wonderful, glad to know trying to fix me isn't within the guidelines of something you are willing to cover. The next letter was from Shady Grove. It was a summary of procedures that they would be performing and an approximate cost. My jaw obviously hit the floor when I found out that each of the two visits I would need per cycle would cost roughly $600. With of course no guarantee at success.
After getting over my initial shock I quickly filled out an application for there "Shared Help" program. It's a program designed for lower income families struggling with infertility. They take two years of your combined family income to determine whether or not you meet the income eligibility. They give a very vague idea of what to expect, all I was told is that you must be below $95,000 a year and it only covers a percentage of treatment. I am hoping that means it covers say... 90% of treatments. But we won't know for another few weeks. But of course now I feel like we need to apply for food stamps just to pay for fertility treatments.
Apart from the somewhat crappy news about insurance coverage we have had a really wonderful few weeks as a family. We took a day trip to Sandy Point Park last week and had a lovely picnic lunch, then went out for snowballs later in the evening with close friends. And this past weekend we went to a Frederick Keys game! Molly and Mike continue to keep me laughing, there latest is what they call "sumo wrestling" they both grab a couch pillow stomp like sumo wrestlers and then run full force into each other, effectively bouncing of the others pillow and falling on the floor in fits of laughter. I have to admit just watching I have almost peed my pants a few times.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Doctors, Doctors, Doctors
That seems to be the theme this summer. Summer is about half way done and I think I have spoken to and visited more doctors in this short time frame then the average person does in a year. And I'm exhausted. Having to repeat my medical history, list current medications, and numerous blood draws. I feel like lately I am at a breaking point all the time. Part of me screaming "I'm done!" the other part still clinging to hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Infertility is definitely something I would not wish on my worst enemies. Ok... Maybe a few... But you would really have to piss me off first.
I have found a few things to be excited about the last few weeks. I had my HSG scan done shortly after my last blog post and it was not only a breeze, it also showed no signs of blockage. Which was excellent news. I also got copies of the images they took, who doesn't want a 12" x 20" image of there own uterus. I know I will have a few jealous readers once they find out I have those pictures and they don't!! Mike also passed his Jizz quiz. Which is of course great for him, mildly upsetting for him. I had secretly hoped that there would be something abnormal about his test. Would make it feel like all of the infertility problems were no coming from me. All of our blood work came back normal, and the genetic testing I had done showed I am not a carrier for any of the 13 disorders they tested for. Which is a relief. I have a phone appointment with our fertility specialist on Monday, will know more about what direction our treatment is taking after I speak to him.
I was pleasantly surprised when my period arrived this morning. Surprised for two reasons, the timing shows that I have returned to an almost "normal" cycle with just the assistance of Metformin. Surprised also because my self ovulation testing showed that I did in fact ovulate this month, around the 26th of June. So then of course my emotional(and bloated self) realized that even though I ovulated I still failed to get(or stay) pregnant. Great, now just one more problem to add to the already growing list. I will of course be discussing this with the doc on Monday.
I really did sit down to write and try to focus on the positives in life lately. It's a recent goal, helps me realize my life is complete with or without another child. I do owe a lot of my recent laughs to my dear husband. He sure is a wonderful light in my life. I also have my gorgeous daughter to be thankful for. She has recently taken a real interest in coloring, I can only hope this is going to steer her into an interest in the arts. Maybe I will make a point of painting with her soon. I am also still obsessed with my dog as well as my gardening. The dog currently occupies the background on my phone, I claim that since Molly has had such a long run as the background it was time to give one of our other children the chance at a turn. Mike of course went and set his as a picture of the rats, not wanting them to feel left out. I have managed to keep everything alive in all of my gardens so far, even with the dreadful heat wave we have been having. If they put any sort of water restrictions on us they might be SOL though...
And just because I feel everyone should read this...
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Until my next post... : )
I have found a few things to be excited about the last few weeks. I had my HSG scan done shortly after my last blog post and it was not only a breeze, it also showed no signs of blockage. Which was excellent news. I also got copies of the images they took, who doesn't want a 12" x 20" image of there own uterus. I know I will have a few jealous readers once they find out I have those pictures and they don't!! Mike also passed his Jizz quiz. Which is of course great for him, mildly upsetting for him. I had secretly hoped that there would be something abnormal about his test. Would make it feel like all of the infertility problems were no coming from me. All of our blood work came back normal, and the genetic testing I had done showed I am not a carrier for any of the 13 disorders they tested for. Which is a relief. I have a phone appointment with our fertility specialist on Monday, will know more about what direction our treatment is taking after I speak to him.
I was pleasantly surprised when my period arrived this morning. Surprised for two reasons, the timing shows that I have returned to an almost "normal" cycle with just the assistance of Metformin. Surprised also because my self ovulation testing showed that I did in fact ovulate this month, around the 26th of June. So then of course my emotional(and bloated self) realized that even though I ovulated I still failed to get(or stay) pregnant. Great, now just one more problem to add to the already growing list. I will of course be discussing this with the doc on Monday.
I really did sit down to write and try to focus on the positives in life lately. It's a recent goal, helps me realize my life is complete with or without another child. I do owe a lot of my recent laughs to my dear husband. He sure is a wonderful light in my life. I also have my gorgeous daughter to be thankful for. She has recently taken a real interest in coloring, I can only hope this is going to steer her into an interest in the arts. Maybe I will make a point of painting with her soon. I am also still obsessed with my dog as well as my gardening. The dog currently occupies the background on my phone, I claim that since Molly has had such a long run as the background it was time to give one of our other children the chance at a turn. Mike of course went and set his as a picture of the rats, not wanting them to feel left out. I have managed to keep everything alive in all of my gardens so far, even with the dreadful heat wave we have been having. If they put any sort of water restrictions on us they might be SOL though...
And just because I feel everyone should read this...
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Until my next post... : )
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Dr. Bromer
Today we met with our new fertility specialist. Dr. Jason Bromer. I say "we" because Mike also gets the pleasure of having a few tests done, although his are nothing compared to the check-list of them I get to complete! Yes this was the longest doctors appointment I have ever been to, and
yes... I sat in seven different rooms today at the office.
As many of you know I was very excited and nervous about this appointment. I have not had the best of luck finding an OB/GYN who has been terribly helpful towards our situation. First one was kind enough to tell me I am fat, which yes I am aware by medical standards I am not considered to be at an ideal weight for my height. But I seriously doubt that 15-20lbs is the ONLY thing holding me back from getting pregnant. The next got my hopes sky high that he had the end all be all cure and then they were crushed just a few weeks later when he announced that he would no longer be able to help me. Needless to say I was nervous as to how this appointment would turn out. I figured, if worst came to worst Mike would be there and at the very least we could have a good laugh about it later.
So for the last few weeks I have been running around and calling doctors like crazy attempting to get all my paperwork complete for this appointment. There was a three page(front and back) questionnaire about my sexual and reproductive history, some of the questions even made ME blush. I hoped upon hoped those questions were not going to be discussed in specific detail. I also had to sign about a dozen waivers, Mike also had a questionnaire(his was only two pages total...) and we both had to sign a waiver saying that I had the right to use his sperm if we chose IVF. I am surprised we didn't have to sign saying they would have the right to our first born if we chose not to pay our bill... Or did we sign something...
So, stack of papers in hand we tote ourselves to the office, which coincidentally is in the same building where Molly had her tubes put in. I figured that was a good sign because we love her ENT and all the nurses that helped with her surgery. I was immediately overwhelmed by the friendly office staff, this is a big thing for me. It is a real turn off for me to encounter cranky receptionists, especially in a place that I have to call frequently for questions and what not. We were not made to wait very long at all after getting checked in.
Dr. Bromer was not at all what I expected, he is much younger then I was picturing and his office was very warm and inviting. Displaying tons of pictures of his wife and son, who we found out later was conceived through IVF. Even bigger bonus to find out our doctor has been through what we are going through. Probably not the exact same scenario, but at least similar enough to understand the difficulties.
We went over details of both mine and Mike's medical history, mine was much more extensive because(lets be honest) we already know I am the one with the issues. Although Mike does get to submit a "specimen" for analysis anyways, just to rule things out. Before I continue I would like to say, I was given permission to talk about this by my husband. Yes... I did ask. : ) The rules for his specimen collection literally made me laugh the entire way home. I seriously felt sorry for whoever had to type up that piece of paper because I would not have been able to keep it together. They even brought him his take home cup in a gift bag, how priceless is that?! And as we were checking out the receptionist reminded him to keep the sample close to his body on the ride there so it stayed warm. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Mostly because he gets pulled over on a regular basis for various things, and I really would love for him to try to explain that situation to a cop. Besides... Sperm is funny... Tee Hee. : )
Back to the appointment. Dr. Bromer did an excellent job discussing PCOS with me, most of it I already basically knew, but he was able to explain a few more things about it. He really did an excellent job of explaining our options to us. He also went over my thyroid problems with me, he didn't realize at first that the thyroid issue came first then the PCOS diagnosis. He was thrilled with all the tests my endo has already done. He even made sure to send her a note saying so. He says as long as my TSH stays under 2.5 he is happy with anything she has done. I also got complimented on my ability to withstand 2000MG of Metformin. Which is traditionally given to PCOS patients to help with insulin resistance. And is very very hard on the stomach. Many patients cannot even take one pill a day, and I have been taking four a day since the end of February. It was like an awesome pat on the back for me and Dr. Ruby.
He then explained that we are considered to have secondary infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to conceive for a year or more and not being able to do so naturally. And secondary is because we have already had one successful pregnancy with no difficulty conceiving. So then the question becomes, what is not working now that was working before. Three things to try to rule out, sperm abnormalities, my irregular cycles and lack of ovulation, and the miscarriage. He said at this time he currently isn't worried about the miscarriage for a few reasons. It is the only one we have experienced so far, and at the time I was taking clomid but was not being closely monitored. He has confidence that the next time I become pregnant I will be able to carry to term with close monitoring. Basically, frequent ultrasounds and taking progesterone early on. One of the most common reasons for an early term miscarriage is low progesterone. And woman with PCOS are more likely to have low progesterone, we simply just don't produce enough on our own. Which causes problems because it's basically the "sticky glue" to the pregnancy. Helps the egg attach securely to the uterine wall early on.
First thing he wanted to do was run a few diagnostic tests, luckily I was able to get two of them knocked out today because I had started my period on Monday. One test was a blood draw on day three or four of your cycle, and also an ultra sound on day three or four. Mike and I were both excited about the ultra sound. Mike being a biology major was interested in my "chocolate chip cookie" ovaries. The term is used to describe how the ovaries of a woman with PCOS look. Basically a normal ovary looks, on an ultra sound, like a plain cookie. But PCOS causes many small follicles to form on the ovary, these show up as dark masses on the ultra sound, making the cookie look like it has chips in it instead. Dr. Bromer showed us both each different part he was looking at, first my uterus, pretty boring. Then both ovaries, one criteria for PCOS is over 12 follicles on each ovary. I have 22 on my left and 26 on my right. So although it is over, still not considered an "extreme" case.
The next test I have to have done is an HSG. This stands for some horrendously complicated name that I can't remember. Basically what they do is inject a dye into the uterus and take a series of x-rays. This is to check for blockages in the uterus or fallopian tubes. That has to be scheduled for sometime next week. Here's hoping I can get that scheduled! After that I just need one more blood draw, and Mike too, to rule out Hepatitis B, HIV and a few others. Mostly just routine prenatal screening. After those things are complete we just need to wait for all the results to come in, then our nurse(who works closely with the doctor but handles the majority of the phone calls) will contact us and set up our second appointment. This will be the time to review all the tests and discuss a course of action. I am also in love with our nurse, she is very friendly as well(which is a big plus because I will be talking with her the majority of the time when I have questions).
Last step today, meeting with the financial adviser who works with Shady Grove to discuss the benefits on our insurances. This was probably the only down fall for the day. As it turns out, because I am on my parents insurance as a dependent I will only get coverage for consultation and testing. Which means they will not cover anything that is considered treatment. So, even if we wanted to pursue IVF or IUI we would not be able to because we would have no insurance coverage. Luckily it currently isn't something we are interested in. But, it looks like the majority of our testing will be covered and any prescriptions I am given(clomid or other fertility drugs) will be covered as normal. Lets just hope they don't change there minds at the last minute.
Overall it was a really wonderful consultation, I am very pleased with the direction our/my treatment is taking, and I really do feel hopefully that a healthy pregnancy is in our near future. Maybe I will be getting that May Baby after all! Just a year later than originally planned. : )
As many of you know I was very excited and nervous about this appointment. I have not had the best of luck finding an OB/GYN who has been terribly helpful towards our situation. First one was kind enough to tell me I am fat, which yes I am aware by medical standards I am not considered to be at an ideal weight for my height. But I seriously doubt that 15-20lbs is the ONLY thing holding me back from getting pregnant. The next got my hopes sky high that he had the end all be all cure and then they were crushed just a few weeks later when he announced that he would no longer be able to help me. Needless to say I was nervous as to how this appointment would turn out. I figured, if worst came to worst Mike would be there and at the very least we could have a good laugh about it later.
So for the last few weeks I have been running around and calling doctors like crazy attempting to get all my paperwork complete for this appointment. There was a three page(front and back) questionnaire about my sexual and reproductive history, some of the questions even made ME blush. I hoped upon hoped those questions were not going to be discussed in specific detail. I also had to sign about a dozen waivers, Mike also had a questionnaire(his was only two pages total...) and we both had to sign a waiver saying that I had the right to use his sperm if we chose IVF. I am surprised we didn't have to sign saying they would have the right to our first born if we chose not to pay our bill... Or did we sign something...
So, stack of papers in hand we tote ourselves to the office, which coincidentally is in the same building where Molly had her tubes put in. I figured that was a good sign because we love her ENT and all the nurses that helped with her surgery. I was immediately overwhelmed by the friendly office staff, this is a big thing for me. It is a real turn off for me to encounter cranky receptionists, especially in a place that I have to call frequently for questions and what not. We were not made to wait very long at all after getting checked in.
Dr. Bromer was not at all what I expected, he is much younger then I was picturing and his office was very warm and inviting. Displaying tons of pictures of his wife and son, who we found out later was conceived through IVF. Even bigger bonus to find out our doctor has been through what we are going through. Probably not the exact same scenario, but at least similar enough to understand the difficulties.
We went over details of both mine and Mike's medical history, mine was much more extensive because(lets be honest) we already know I am the one with the issues. Although Mike does get to submit a "specimen" for analysis anyways, just to rule things out. Before I continue I would like to say, I was given permission to talk about this by my husband. Yes... I did ask. : ) The rules for his specimen collection literally made me laugh the entire way home. I seriously felt sorry for whoever had to type up that piece of paper because I would not have been able to keep it together. They even brought him his take home cup in a gift bag, how priceless is that?! And as we were checking out the receptionist reminded him to keep the sample close to his body on the ride there so it stayed warm. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Mostly because he gets pulled over on a regular basis for various things, and I really would love for him to try to explain that situation to a cop. Besides... Sperm is funny... Tee Hee. : )
Back to the appointment. Dr. Bromer did an excellent job discussing PCOS with me, most of it I already basically knew, but he was able to explain a few more things about it. He really did an excellent job of explaining our options to us. He also went over my thyroid problems with me, he didn't realize at first that the thyroid issue came first then the PCOS diagnosis. He was thrilled with all the tests my endo has already done. He even made sure to send her a note saying so. He says as long as my TSH stays under 2.5 he is happy with anything she has done. I also got complimented on my ability to withstand 2000MG of Metformin. Which is traditionally given to PCOS patients to help with insulin resistance. And is very very hard on the stomach. Many patients cannot even take one pill a day, and I have been taking four a day since the end of February. It was like an awesome pat on the back for me and Dr. Ruby.
He then explained that we are considered to have secondary infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to conceive for a year or more and not being able to do so naturally. And secondary is because we have already had one successful pregnancy with no difficulty conceiving. So then the question becomes, what is not working now that was working before. Three things to try to rule out, sperm abnormalities, my irregular cycles and lack of ovulation, and the miscarriage. He said at this time he currently isn't worried about the miscarriage for a few reasons. It is the only one we have experienced so far, and at the time I was taking clomid but was not being closely monitored. He has confidence that the next time I become pregnant I will be able to carry to term with close monitoring. Basically, frequent ultrasounds and taking progesterone early on. One of the most common reasons for an early term miscarriage is low progesterone. And woman with PCOS are more likely to have low progesterone, we simply just don't produce enough on our own. Which causes problems because it's basically the "sticky glue" to the pregnancy. Helps the egg attach securely to the uterine wall early on.
First thing he wanted to do was run a few diagnostic tests, luckily I was able to get two of them knocked out today because I had started my period on Monday. One test was a blood draw on day three or four of your cycle, and also an ultra sound on day three or four. Mike and I were both excited about the ultra sound. Mike being a biology major was interested in my "chocolate chip cookie" ovaries. The term is used to describe how the ovaries of a woman with PCOS look. Basically a normal ovary looks, on an ultra sound, like a plain cookie. But PCOS causes many small follicles to form on the ovary, these show up as dark masses on the ultra sound, making the cookie look like it has chips in it instead. Dr. Bromer showed us both each different part he was looking at, first my uterus, pretty boring. Then both ovaries, one criteria for PCOS is over 12 follicles on each ovary. I have 22 on my left and 26 on my right. So although it is over, still not considered an "extreme" case.
The next test I have to have done is an HSG. This stands for some horrendously complicated name that I can't remember. Basically what they do is inject a dye into the uterus and take a series of x-rays. This is to check for blockages in the uterus or fallopian tubes. That has to be scheduled for sometime next week. Here's hoping I can get that scheduled! After that I just need one more blood draw, and Mike too, to rule out Hepatitis B, HIV and a few others. Mostly just routine prenatal screening. After those things are complete we just need to wait for all the results to come in, then our nurse(who works closely with the doctor but handles the majority of the phone calls) will contact us and set up our second appointment. This will be the time to review all the tests and discuss a course of action. I am also in love with our nurse, she is very friendly as well(which is a big plus because I will be talking with her the majority of the time when I have questions).
Last step today, meeting with the financial adviser who works with Shady Grove to discuss the benefits on our insurances. This was probably the only down fall for the day. As it turns out, because I am on my parents insurance as a dependent I will only get coverage for consultation and testing. Which means they will not cover anything that is considered treatment. So, even if we wanted to pursue IVF or IUI we would not be able to because we would have no insurance coverage. Luckily it currently isn't something we are interested in. But, it looks like the majority of our testing will be covered and any prescriptions I am given(clomid or other fertility drugs) will be covered as normal. Lets just hope they don't change there minds at the last minute.
Overall it was a really wonderful consultation, I am very pleased with the direction our/my treatment is taking, and I really do feel hopefully that a healthy pregnancy is in our near future. Maybe I will be getting that May Baby after all! Just a year later than originally planned. : )
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sun Burned and Cranky
That's how I feel these days... Our long weekend to the beach was wonderful. I was on the beach at some point every day of our trip, the last day was a little to cold for the beach so we retreated to the pool all day. It was wonderful to spend time with my little family. Of course, when we got home reality set in again. We literally have $100 to make us through until next payday(about a week from now). Every week that goes by since I got fired from the center we are slowly slinking farther and farther into debt. Want to know the worst part, barely any of our money is spent on anything not "necessary" for survival. Gosh it stinks to be a grown up sometimes...
Lately the money tensions have led me to my next thought, if we are so poor... Why are we trying so hard for another child? This is a thought I often ponder... One I have yet to find the answer to. On one hand, we are entitled to make our own decisions and our daughter deserves siblings. But on the other hand, why bring more babies into this world unless we can truly support them.
This blog update is going to be shorter than the rest, mostly because I don't have much to report. We have our visit with the fertility specialist next week. I am mostly just making myself more nervous for the visit. I have already told Mike though, if this doctor tells me I am fat I am punching him in the face. Will update next week after the appointment.
Lately the money tensions have led me to my next thought, if we are so poor... Why are we trying so hard for another child? This is a thought I often ponder... One I have yet to find the answer to. On one hand, we are entitled to make our own decisions and our daughter deserves siblings. But on the other hand, why bring more babies into this world unless we can truly support them.
This blog update is going to be shorter than the rest, mostly because I don't have much to report. We have our visit with the fertility specialist next week. I am mostly just making myself more nervous for the visit. I have already told Mike though, if this doctor tells me I am fat I am punching him in the face. Will update next week after the appointment.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
My Green Thumb
Alright, so I cannot officially confirm that my thumb is green... I guess I am just making a whole hearted attempt to turn it that way. I think I mentioned in a previous post that one of the ways I cope with the emotional aspect of infertility is keeping my brain active. Well, I was looking forward to and dreading the month of May. Dreading, because almost a year ago in August when we started trying I had dreams and images of May Baby. That was our goal, late spring early summer to welcome the arrival of a new family member. So, when May started to turn the corner I knew I was going to need big projects to keep me from slumping into a depression.
Just a little back story, I have suffered on and off from depression since I was a teenager. Mostly genetic I started with therapy shortly before high school, that was successful for a few years until I continued spiraling downward. I barely wanted to eat, I was constantly short with my friends and family. I will never forget an outburst of mine where I was so angry with my mother I took the batteries out of all the house phones and locked them in her bedroom. Now, to some of you this is mild, but for me it was huge. It was a sign that therapy was not going to cut it on it's own. That's when I started taking medication. Which made a huge difference in me. Well, I stayed on them until Molly was born and was successfully able to wean myself off after her arrival. So far, I haven't gotten to the point of needing medicine again, but I am always conscious of when my mind starts to slip that way.
So, with the installation of our fence last week, and our shed went up yesterday, I am ready for my gardens! When we bought our house it only came with two existing gardens, and two large obnoxious shrubs. We spent the first three months renovating the inside and ran out of money when we got to the outside. That was ok, I just stuck with the small garden I had in the front. I was also lost as to what to do with the backyard because of a lack of boundaries in the yard. Clearly, I would have to wait for a fence to garden back there. With all the set-backs and delays surrounding our fence it only made me even more antsy to finally get out there and dig up the yard.
So far I have one garden pretty much how I like it, and have plans for extending that one and adding three more. Ideally the goal is to eliminate any areas that technically require a weed-whacker. Since we don't currently own one, I just get as close as I can with the lawn mower and then cringe at the foot high grass growing up the side of the house and fence. You'd think a weed whacker would be cheaper, but this is more fun! I have a little over a week before we leave on our annual beach trip, I am hoping to get most of those gardens started before then. Wish me luck! Will plan to update again after the beach. :)
Just a little back story, I have suffered on and off from depression since I was a teenager. Mostly genetic I started with therapy shortly before high school, that was successful for a few years until I continued spiraling downward. I barely wanted to eat, I was constantly short with my friends and family. I will never forget an outburst of mine where I was so angry with my mother I took the batteries out of all the house phones and locked them in her bedroom. Now, to some of you this is mild, but for me it was huge. It was a sign that therapy was not going to cut it on it's own. That's when I started taking medication. Which made a huge difference in me. Well, I stayed on them until Molly was born and was successfully able to wean myself off after her arrival. So far, I haven't gotten to the point of needing medicine again, but I am always conscious of when my mind starts to slip that way.
So, with the installation of our fence last week, and our shed went up yesterday, I am ready for my gardens! When we bought our house it only came with two existing gardens, and two large obnoxious shrubs. We spent the first three months renovating the inside and ran out of money when we got to the outside. That was ok, I just stuck with the small garden I had in the front. I was also lost as to what to do with the backyard because of a lack of boundaries in the yard. Clearly, I would have to wait for a fence to garden back there. With all the set-backs and delays surrounding our fence it only made me even more antsy to finally get out there and dig up the yard.
So far I have one garden pretty much how I like it, and have plans for extending that one and adding three more. Ideally the goal is to eliminate any areas that technically require a weed-whacker. Since we don't currently own one, I just get as close as I can with the lawn mower and then cringe at the foot high grass growing up the side of the house and fence. You'd think a weed whacker would be cheaper, but this is more fun! I have a little over a week before we leave on our annual beach trip, I am hoping to get most of those gardens started before then. Wish me luck! Will plan to update again after the beach. :)
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Spring Bliss
Been feeling really good the last few days so I thought a short update was needed.
I got the surprise of a lovely visitor yesterday, my period arrived ahead of schedule. I use a phone app to track and the last two cycles I had were because of the assistance of clomid. After our early term miscarriage in March we decided not to go ahead with another round. So, because of that I had no idea when Aunt Flow would be rearing her ugly head this month. I was expecting somewhere around the end of April. However, with her appearance yesterday that confirms my hopes, the metformin is working. I ovulated, on my own. What an exciting feeling. Hopefully just another month or two before we will be seeing a big fat positive! Wouldn't it make an excellent birthday present for me/fathers day present for Mike?! Fingers crossed!!
I also started a few new supplements this month from suggestions my Endo made and other women in my support group. So far about a week in and loving both, normally I have cramping with my period and so far nothing this month, which is always a welcome bonus. More bloating then usual, but I was also feeling extremely emotional last week and gorging a lot on salty snacks which probably didn't help. Back in the swing of health foods though and feeling refreshed today.
Have been revisiting the idea of a tattoo the last few days. Since I don't currently have any this is obviously a huge decision. And since we don't currently have any money, no plans for one in the immediate future. I am contemplating drawing something on my foot in permanent marker to see what I think about having constant ink there. Thinking about the phrase "One day at a time..." with a picture above. Just haven't decided on the picture. Maybe a bird, would like to do something with teal because that is the color for PCOS ribbon, and the mascot thingy is a butterfly. But I'm not sure if I am interested in color. Mostly because I am concerned about the color fading and I have read that just black ages much better. After all, I too will be a wrinkly old woman one day. Mike also pointed out that this has been a painful journey so far, so I may not want a constant reminder on my body of those memories. I agreed, but it could also be more of a "look how much we have overcome" kind of reminder. Who knows!! Like I said, just thinking out loud. No immediate plans. Contemplating the idea for my birthday if I am not pregnant by then, lets hope I am though. : )
Also had to share the good news of a blog I follow. The blog is called "A Belly for Me, A Baby for You". its the story of two sister in laws, the one lost her uterus after a traumatic deliver of her first son. Which has obviously made her unable to carry another child, her husbands sister volunteers to carry a baby for them. Well, they found out yesterday that the second round of IVF was successful. No, there situation is not identical to mine, but I still felt overjoyed for them. Especially because they posted adorable reaction videos. I am already betting it will be twins. : )
I got the surprise of a lovely visitor yesterday, my period arrived ahead of schedule. I use a phone app to track and the last two cycles I had were because of the assistance of clomid. After our early term miscarriage in March we decided not to go ahead with another round. So, because of that I had no idea when Aunt Flow would be rearing her ugly head this month. I was expecting somewhere around the end of April. However, with her appearance yesterday that confirms my hopes, the metformin is working. I ovulated, on my own. What an exciting feeling. Hopefully just another month or two before we will be seeing a big fat positive! Wouldn't it make an excellent birthday present for me/fathers day present for Mike?! Fingers crossed!!
I also started a few new supplements this month from suggestions my Endo made and other women in my support group. So far about a week in and loving both, normally I have cramping with my period and so far nothing this month, which is always a welcome bonus. More bloating then usual, but I was also feeling extremely emotional last week and gorging a lot on salty snacks which probably didn't help. Back in the swing of health foods though and feeling refreshed today.
Have been revisiting the idea of a tattoo the last few days. Since I don't currently have any this is obviously a huge decision. And since we don't currently have any money, no plans for one in the immediate future. I am contemplating drawing something on my foot in permanent marker to see what I think about having constant ink there. Thinking about the phrase "One day at a time..." with a picture above. Just haven't decided on the picture. Maybe a bird, would like to do something with teal because that is the color for PCOS ribbon, and the mascot thingy is a butterfly. But I'm not sure if I am interested in color. Mostly because I am concerned about the color fading and I have read that just black ages much better. After all, I too will be a wrinkly old woman one day. Mike also pointed out that this has been a painful journey so far, so I may not want a constant reminder on my body of those memories. I agreed, but it could also be more of a "look how much we have overcome" kind of reminder. Who knows!! Like I said, just thinking out loud. No immediate plans. Contemplating the idea for my birthday if I am not pregnant by then, lets hope I am though. : )
Also had to share the good news of a blog I follow. The blog is called "A Belly for Me, A Baby for You". its the story of two sister in laws, the one lost her uterus after a traumatic deliver of her first son. Which has obviously made her unable to carry another child, her husbands sister volunteers to carry a baby for them. Well, they found out yesterday that the second round of IVF was successful. No, there situation is not identical to mine, but I still felt overjoyed for them. Especially because they posted adorable reaction videos. I am already betting it will be twins. : )
Friday, March 30, 2012
End of March Update
So with a less than cheerful beginning to March I decided to post an end of the month update. I visited the doctor on Monday, I had lost three pounds since my last appointment with her. Looks like I'm doing something right! My thyroid levels had come back down to where she would like them and it is obvious the metformin has been working. So far no sign of a normal cycle or ovulation, but that could take up to six months. My impatient self of course does not like that answer, but for the time being I am willing to work with it. I know, un-eventful doctors visit, and I won't be seeing her again until August unless I should happen to get pregnant before now and then. So, fingers crossed that I will have to re-schedule that appointment!
On the bright side, I have really gotten into my Tupperware business this month. It's not much, but it helps keep me busy. Gives me a lovely little project to focus on. Our fence should also be going up in the next six weeks or so. One step closer to my daycare license!!
I will also be leaving tomorrow for a week vacation to South Carolina to visit my grandparents. Along with my mom and Molly. Looking forward to a week away! I know it's short, but I guess in this case, not much news is good news.
On the bright side, I have really gotten into my Tupperware business this month. It's not much, but it helps keep me busy. Gives me a lovely little project to focus on. Our fence should also be going up in the next six weeks or so. One step closer to my daycare license!!
I will also be leaving tomorrow for a week vacation to South Carolina to visit my grandparents. Along with my mom and Molly. Looking forward to a week away! I know it's short, but I guess in this case, not much news is good news.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Difficult Week
There are few words to describe the week myself and my family have had. I feel like my last post was so easy to write, so full of hope, looking forward to what may come, this post is much more difficult. Too many emotions not enough ways to express them.
Tuesday I woke up starving, which is extremely unusual for me. I very rarely want to eat breakfast, I normally force myself to eat something. I thought, here we go again, I am imagining symptoms of being pregnant. This has happened multiple times to me throughout this journey, I would be a day or two late for my period and instantly feel nauseous, or constantly hungry. Since I buy pregnancy strips online in bulk I didn't see the harm in taking one. Thinking the negative I have gotten so used to seeing would stop all my fantasy symptoms. My mother likes to joke that I don't know how to pee without doing so on a stick, I like to correct her and explain I actually pee into a cup and then dip the stick. To my surprise that test came up with a very faint positive line. Awesome, not only am I imagining symptoms now I am imagining positive pregnancy tests! So I took a picture of the test and sent it to my BFF to see if she could confirm my findings. Sure enough, she saw both lines too! Could this be it? Did it finally work? Would the Cobb family be adding another addition finally? Over the next three days I got four more positive pregnancy tests, one of which was a Clear Blue digital. I will never forget how it felt to see that one simple word pop up on that test. What a wonderful evening I spent with my family, just in bliss because it was finally happening.
Over the next few days we started telling a few family and friends. Still cautious, but not wanting to contain the excitement any longer. I even bought our "kids" matching big brother and big sister shirts to wear and filmed my precious child announcing the news to my mom. Words cannot explain that feeling. Seeing her so excited, and seeing my mom so excited. It was awesome.
Friday I spent the day running around and packing for a weekend away with friends. We had decided it would be at the WV cabin we would announce our news to our closest friends. I noticed some spotting in the evening and immediately started panicking. I googled like a crazy person and told myself this was normal and all would be ok. Of course the following morning my worst fears were confirmed. I had miscarried at four weeks. If I hadn't been testing early I probably would have never known I was pregnant because my bleeding was on schedule with my period. I didn't know what to do, I had nothing, one tampon in my car, and was in a house full of seven other adults. Only two besides myself even knew I was "pregnant". I went and told Mike what had happened then quietly excused myself to the store and cried the entire way there. Part of me felt silly, I really wasn't even pregnant, maybe for like two days. But really, I wasn't. Just for once in this journey I had a genuine feeling of hopelessness. Luckily the time away gave me a chance to call my mom and return to the cabin with a dry face. Although upon getting home from the cabin I promptly blocked all expectant mothers from my facebook news feed. I just can't be happy for them right now. I was able to make it through the weekend without having an embarrassing emotional melt down, but since being home it has hit me a few different times where I just had to sit down and cry.
One moment was when trying to explain to Molly that we had made a mistake and there was not a baby in my belly. She tried to be sweet, I think she could tell the conversation was hard for me and she said "I still love your baby even if it isn't in your belly anymore." When did she get to be so grown up that she is able to comfort her own mother? We stayed pretty busy today to attempt to avoid those moments where I knew grief would sneak up on me. I just hope I can come up with a project in the next few days that will be large enough to keep me busy until this feeling goes away. I know that isn't the most rational way to handle emotions, but sometimes distraction is easier then spending several days crying which is what I would really prefer to do. Besides the fact that I have had toe curling cramps for three days now and haven't been able to be away for a bathroom for longer then a few hours since Saturday morning. Whoever said mother nature is beautiful hasn't experienced rejection like this.
I hope that my next post is more up-beat. I will be seeing the endocrinologist on 26th, where I will end up re-telling this whole story, hopefully I can keep from crying in her office.
Tuesday I woke up starving, which is extremely unusual for me. I very rarely want to eat breakfast, I normally force myself to eat something. I thought, here we go again, I am imagining symptoms of being pregnant. This has happened multiple times to me throughout this journey, I would be a day or two late for my period and instantly feel nauseous, or constantly hungry. Since I buy pregnancy strips online in bulk I didn't see the harm in taking one. Thinking the negative I have gotten so used to seeing would stop all my fantasy symptoms. My mother likes to joke that I don't know how to pee without doing so on a stick, I like to correct her and explain I actually pee into a cup and then dip the stick. To my surprise that test came up with a very faint positive line. Awesome, not only am I imagining symptoms now I am imagining positive pregnancy tests! So I took a picture of the test and sent it to my BFF to see if she could confirm my findings. Sure enough, she saw both lines too! Could this be it? Did it finally work? Would the Cobb family be adding another addition finally? Over the next three days I got four more positive pregnancy tests, one of which was a Clear Blue digital. I will never forget how it felt to see that one simple word pop up on that test. What a wonderful evening I spent with my family, just in bliss because it was finally happening.
Over the next few days we started telling a few family and friends. Still cautious, but not wanting to contain the excitement any longer. I even bought our "kids" matching big brother and big sister shirts to wear and filmed my precious child announcing the news to my mom. Words cannot explain that feeling. Seeing her so excited, and seeing my mom so excited. It was awesome.
Friday I spent the day running around and packing for a weekend away with friends. We had decided it would be at the WV cabin we would announce our news to our closest friends. I noticed some spotting in the evening and immediately started panicking. I googled like a crazy person and told myself this was normal and all would be ok. Of course the following morning my worst fears were confirmed. I had miscarried at four weeks. If I hadn't been testing early I probably would have never known I was pregnant because my bleeding was on schedule with my period. I didn't know what to do, I had nothing, one tampon in my car, and was in a house full of seven other adults. Only two besides myself even knew I was "pregnant". I went and told Mike what had happened then quietly excused myself to the store and cried the entire way there. Part of me felt silly, I really wasn't even pregnant, maybe for like two days. But really, I wasn't. Just for once in this journey I had a genuine feeling of hopelessness. Luckily the time away gave me a chance to call my mom and return to the cabin with a dry face. Although upon getting home from the cabin I promptly blocked all expectant mothers from my facebook news feed. I just can't be happy for them right now. I was able to make it through the weekend without having an embarrassing emotional melt down, but since being home it has hit me a few different times where I just had to sit down and cry.
One moment was when trying to explain to Molly that we had made a mistake and there was not a baby in my belly. She tried to be sweet, I think she could tell the conversation was hard for me and she said "I still love your baby even if it isn't in your belly anymore." When did she get to be so grown up that she is able to comfort her own mother? We stayed pretty busy today to attempt to avoid those moments where I knew grief would sneak up on me. I just hope I can come up with a project in the next few days that will be large enough to keep me busy until this feeling goes away. I know that isn't the most rational way to handle emotions, but sometimes distraction is easier then spending several days crying which is what I would really prefer to do. Besides the fact that I have had toe curling cramps for three days now and haven't been able to be away for a bathroom for longer then a few hours since Saturday morning. Whoever said mother nature is beautiful hasn't experienced rejection like this.
I hope that my next post is more up-beat. I will be seeing the endocrinologist on 26th, where I will end up re-telling this whole story, hopefully I can keep from crying in her office.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Month Of Good News!
Seems like this last month has been full of good news!
I started my new drug regimen. I was very nervous at first, metformin can have very harsh results on the stomach. But I was hoping to not have any problems because it can be an awesome treatment for PCOS and restoring fertility.
Week one went by, then week two, then week three. Then week four! I was up to four pills a day with little to no side effects! It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment. I noticed unwanted hair growth slowing down, sex drive slowing down, and food cravings diminishing. The medicine was working and I am well on my way to healthy ovaries again!
My even better news came towards the end of the month in the form of a positive ovulation test! We will find out in a couple of weeks if we were successful. But I can't help but feeling hopeful about it. I even joined a PCOS group on facebook. I wasn't sure I would like being in the group, was mainly worried about whiny women. yes, we all have those moments where we hate the world and need to whine and vent. I was just concerned that would be the whole basis of the group. I was pleasantly surprised to see the weath of helpful information spilling out of the group. Recipe sharing, exercise tips, just general support. So far I am enjoying the support from all the other women going through the same things as me. It is helpful to talk to friends and family, but there is something so much more comforting talking to someone who knows on such a more personal level.
Week one went by, then week two, then week three. Then week four! I was up to four pills a day with little to no side effects! It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment. I noticed unwanted hair growth slowing down, sex drive slowing down, and food cravings diminishing. The medicine was working and I am well on my way to healthy ovaries again!
My even better news came towards the end of the month in the form of a positive ovulation test! We will find out in a couple of weeks if we were successful. But I can't help but feeling hopeful about it. I even joined a PCOS group on facebook. I wasn't sure I would like being in the group, was mainly worried about whiny women. yes, we all have those moments where we hate the world and need to whine and vent. I was just concerned that would be the whole basis of the group. I was pleasantly surprised to see the weath of helpful information spilling out of the group. Recipe sharing, exercise tips, just general support. So far I am enjoying the support from all the other women going through the same things as me. It is helpful to talk to friends and family, but there is something so much more comforting talking to someone who knows on such a more personal level.
I know it is a short blog for now, but sometimes no major news is good news. : )
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Drugs
 |
| Left- Chapstick for comparison. Middle- Calcium/Vitamin D. Right- Metaformin(don't forget, the goal is to get to four of these a day!) If this is what it takes to get pregnant... Bring it on. |
 |
| Left- Morning multi-vitamin. Middle- Calcium/Vitamin D. 2nd Middle- Metaformin. Right- Synthroid. |
Basic jist of the blood work. Testosterone was high, should be between 2-45 and I am at 54. So not a huge jump out of the norm, but does confirm the PCOS diagnosis.
Vitamin D was low, I knew it would be I am TERRIBLE about taking vitamins. I can't take a multi-vitamin, or anything with iron, at the same time as my Synthroid which I take in the evening. Which means I have to take multi-vitamins in the morning, which just about never happens.
My thyroid levels were higher then she wanted them also, currently at 2.68 and she would prefer it around 1. Which means my Synthroid got bumped up and she will re-check it in a few weeks when I go to see her again. Hoping that helps with the energy level. Seem to notice I feel like sleeping a lot more lately, originally was concerned I was getting depressed. Hopefully the bump up will help with that.
So, what does all this mean... DRUGS! Since provera and clomid did not really work I am starting Metaformin. It is a drug used to treat insulin resistance which is the primary cause of PCOS. Finally, a doctor who is ready to treat the cause not just the symptoms! It is primarily used for people with type two diabetes, which I do not have, but have a similar kind of insulin resistance. That and diet change have upwards of 85% success rate in regulating menstruation in PCOS patients. Only catch is that it is hard on the stomach and some people cannot handle the side effects from it, mainly nausea and diarrhea. What fun I have in store for me. She started me on one 500 mg pill a day, taking with the largest meal of the day. After a week if I am still feeling ok I bump up to two pills. Increasing each one pill each week. The end goal is to get to four a day. That is where the highest success rates are, improvements can be seen on the lower doses just not as likely. So, for now, canceling the appointment with the fertility specialist and going to give this a few months. It is nice to know there is another option for me! That's the general update for the day, posted a few pictures so you can enjoy my new drug regimen!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Mickey
So for those of you who do not already know, we recently rescued a 6 year old English Springer Spaniel who we have named Mickey. My yearning for a dog started around the same time I was diagnosed with PCOS. I just felt a void, I wanted(want) another child and knew it was going to take time, I was concerned I would drive myself insane before the time actually came and convinced Mike to let me get a dog. That was one of those times I pushed him into something I don't think he truly wanted. And now I am concerned I am seeing the repercussions of my actions.
When we were first approved through the rescue Mid-Atlantic English Springer Spaniel Rescue (MAESSR for short) we were put on a waiting list. Because we were very specific about a few things, child savvy dog, good with other dogs and cats, we were non-specific about other things, age, color, sex, size. The rescue also warned us it may take a little longer because of our needs. Shortly before Christmas we were offered a dog, his name at the time was Cody and every volunteer that had met him had nothing but wonderful things to say about him. he was reportedly excellent with children, other dogs and cats. We had found our match!! Because of a pre-arranged trip planned for the beginning of January we arranged pick-up for the day after we got home, January 7th.
I was so excited the day I drove to get him I kept feeling like I was going to cry! Meeting him was wonderful, it wasn't until I sat down to sign the papers that I learned the baggage we were taking on. He was overdue to be groomed by what looked like several weeks, I was initially fine with this but after writing my $225 check I thought, why couldn't they have taken care of this BEFORE we came to adopt him. The foster mom then handed over his medication which she said was for a thyroid condition. I'm thinking, no problem, we can bond over it!
When I got home I immediately called Petsmart to get him in to be groomed the following day, and started researching his medication. I come to find out this is actually an Anti-Anxiety med. I was completely shocked, not only had the rescue failed to mention he was on meds for anxiety I had no clue what he was on them for. Does he get aggressive? Is he destructive? What can I look forward to if I decide to wean him off these meds? I e-mailed the foster mom that day to get more information, three days later she finally came back with a very vague and obnoxious answer. "When we took him to the vet for the first time he was just so anxious I couldn't bear to see him that way." Great, thank you for all the details. The woman then failed to deposit the check I wrote her for three weeks, even after I called and e-mailed her multiple times. Decided to keep him on the meds, which they gave me a fair supply of, until we visited our vet for the first time.
What turned out to be a case of kennel cough took us to the vet sooner then planned. She was very helpful, explaining that Springers have a tendency to be an anxious breed, especially when there living situations change, much like his had in the last few months. $115 later, we were leaving the vet with meds for Kennel Cough and some information about natural ways to treat anxiety.
A few weeks later, we felt his kennel cough had mostly recovered and we were ready to try him off the anxiety meds. First few days were fine, probably some still left in his system. About a week after taking him off his meds we started to notice a change in behavior, he started to become very attached to me, not getting out of bed in the morning until I did, refusing to eat any meals unless I was sitting in the room with him, much more growling at Molly and Mike. A couple times got to the point that he needed a "time-out" in his crate for growling at one of them. He also continuously licks things and will bark at just about any noise.
Initially I wasn't noticing this as a problem, yes, he barks. Ok, so sometimes he isn't very tolerant of Molly. It finally took me seeing him in action against Mike to realize there was an issue that needed to be addressed. I started him back on his meds today while I try to figure out what to do. I really don't like the idea of him being drugged. But I also don't know what it feels like for him to constantly be so anxious. And of course I don't feel like Mike has been much help, I tried to explain to him that Mickey still doesn't know him very well yet and it is part of his anxiety towards him. Mike works and goes to school the majority of the day, on weekdays we only see him for a few hours in the evening after he is done at work. And he still has to work every other weekend. So to Mickey, he is a stranger. Especially since I do everything for him, taking him on several walks a day, letting him outside to go to the bathroom, feeding him meals, giving him baths. Why is it my fault the dog likes me better?
But this was not meant to be my dog, it was meant to be our family dog. How are we supposed to have a family dog if that dog only likes one member of the family? Should I just get over thinking about him being drugged and just do what helps him?
When we were first approved through the rescue Mid-Atlantic English Springer Spaniel Rescue (MAESSR for short) we were put on a waiting list. Because we were very specific about a few things, child savvy dog, good with other dogs and cats, we were non-specific about other things, age, color, sex, size. The rescue also warned us it may take a little longer because of our needs. Shortly before Christmas we were offered a dog, his name at the time was Cody and every volunteer that had met him had nothing but wonderful things to say about him. he was reportedly excellent with children, other dogs and cats. We had found our match!! Because of a pre-arranged trip planned for the beginning of January we arranged pick-up for the day after we got home, January 7th.
I was so excited the day I drove to get him I kept feeling like I was going to cry! Meeting him was wonderful, it wasn't until I sat down to sign the papers that I learned the baggage we were taking on. He was overdue to be groomed by what looked like several weeks, I was initially fine with this but after writing my $225 check I thought, why couldn't they have taken care of this BEFORE we came to adopt him. The foster mom then handed over his medication which she said was for a thyroid condition. I'm thinking, no problem, we can bond over it!
When I got home I immediately called Petsmart to get him in to be groomed the following day, and started researching his medication. I come to find out this is actually an Anti-Anxiety med. I was completely shocked, not only had the rescue failed to mention he was on meds for anxiety I had no clue what he was on them for. Does he get aggressive? Is he destructive? What can I look forward to if I decide to wean him off these meds? I e-mailed the foster mom that day to get more information, three days later she finally came back with a very vague and obnoxious answer. "When we took him to the vet for the first time he was just so anxious I couldn't bear to see him that way." Great, thank you for all the details. The woman then failed to deposit the check I wrote her for three weeks, even after I called and e-mailed her multiple times. Decided to keep him on the meds, which they gave me a fair supply of, until we visited our vet for the first time.
What turned out to be a case of kennel cough took us to the vet sooner then planned. She was very helpful, explaining that Springers have a tendency to be an anxious breed, especially when there living situations change, much like his had in the last few months. $115 later, we were leaving the vet with meds for Kennel Cough and some information about natural ways to treat anxiety.
A few weeks later, we felt his kennel cough had mostly recovered and we were ready to try him off the anxiety meds. First few days were fine, probably some still left in his system. About a week after taking him off his meds we started to notice a change in behavior, he started to become very attached to me, not getting out of bed in the morning until I did, refusing to eat any meals unless I was sitting in the room with him, much more growling at Molly and Mike. A couple times got to the point that he needed a "time-out" in his crate for growling at one of them. He also continuously licks things and will bark at just about any noise.
Initially I wasn't noticing this as a problem, yes, he barks. Ok, so sometimes he isn't very tolerant of Molly. It finally took me seeing him in action against Mike to realize there was an issue that needed to be addressed. I started him back on his meds today while I try to figure out what to do. I really don't like the idea of him being drugged. But I also don't know what it feels like for him to constantly be so anxious. And of course I don't feel like Mike has been much help, I tried to explain to him that Mickey still doesn't know him very well yet and it is part of his anxiety towards him. Mike works and goes to school the majority of the day, on weekdays we only see him for a few hours in the evening after he is done at work. And he still has to work every other weekend. So to Mickey, he is a stranger. Especially since I do everything for him, taking him on several walks a day, letting him outside to go to the bathroom, feeding him meals, giving him baths. Why is it my fault the dog likes me better?
But this was not meant to be my dog, it was meant to be our family dog. How are we supposed to have a family dog if that dog only likes one member of the family? Should I just get over thinking about him being drugged and just do what helps him?
Friday, February 3, 2012
A summary of the last six months.
So as the title suggests I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For those unfamiliar, I will give you a brief description of what that means. For child-bearing females, every month an egg ripens into what is know as a cyst, when ovulation occurs that cyst ruptures and the egg travels down the fallopian tube. For women with PCOS the cyst forms, then never ruptures. Because of this the ovaries end up covered in cysts and ovulation eventually stops all together. This was pretty much the way it happened for me.
General timeline.
When Mike and I got married, I was ready for more babies! He was not. Thinking I could gently persuade him I got my IUD taken out thinking, this way when the time is right I won't have to schedule the appointment etc etc. However, after many fights we finally agreed to wait another year until our first anniversary. I push my husband into lots of things he doesn't always want so I knew this couldn't be one of them. I quietly counted down the days. In January I started working full time, shortly after my periods started getting farther and farther apart. I didn't run to the doctor very quick because I knew it would mean a pelvic exam and blood work. I talked it up to stress and went about my life. It wasn't until April I knew I needed to go. I started skipping entire months going up to 10 weeks in between periods. I saw my doctor in July for my annual. She was mildly concerned, but because of a pre-existing thyroid condition she wanted to observe for another few months. Finally in October I scheduled the Ultra Sound. At this point is was baby making season and I needed to know what was wrong.
November 2nd, 2011. I got the call from my doctor, just two days after my ultra sound when the technician said it would probably take a week. My heart hit the floor when I was given the diagnosis. That day I called 8 different OB/GYN's in the area to get an appointment. I had stopped seeing my last GYN after Molly was born. My primary, who I love, was willing to take over my yearly exams and I wasn't interested in making two different appointments each year. So, the hunt was on to find a new doctor.
Doctor number one, who shall remain nameless, was able to see me rather quickly. So I figured, why not. He was foreign and somewhat difficult to understand. He also had a complete lack of bedside manner and basically told me I needed to lose 10-15lbs before he would discuss fertility options. After of course pointing out the affected areas. Devastated, I left the office crying and vowed never to return.
Doctor number two! This was the doctor I was more looking forward to seeing, mostly because he came highly recommended from the women I was working with at the time. I was very pleased with my appointment with him, I didn't even see an exam room, we just sat down in his office for a consultation. He made me feel good about my chances of conceiving with very little interventions. He immediately gave me two prescriptions, provera and clomid. I left that appointment crying also, but only because I was completely relieved and for once hopeful.
After getting home with my drugs I realized I was not given many instructions on how they were to be taken. He told me, Provera give you a period and is to be taken on days 1-10 and Clomid makes you ovulate and should be taken on days 5-9. So in my mind, Provera day one you get your period then start Clomid. When I got home I started looking at the prescription bottles and the directions for Provera state "Take one pill vaginally once a day as directed by a doctor." Ok, a little weird especially because I am thinking I will be getting my period in a couple of days and then have to continue shoving pills up there... Whatever! If that's what it takes! I took two days this way before thinking there was something not quite right... After extensive research and several angry phone calls to the pharmacy, one in which they SWEAR that is how it was written on the prescription reveal that this is indeed an oral medication. Don't worry, my family has yet to let me live that one down. I also found out quite a few more directions on how the medications were supposed to be taken, Provera 1-10, period starts sometime between the last pill and two weeks after the last pill. Then Clomid was days 5-9 of period.
After ironing out all the kinks we were off! With directions to "hit it hard" on day 14 we attempted to do just that. I say attempted, because day 14 happened to fall on day 2 of a previously planned Disney trip. One where we shared a room with our three year old daughter... Yuppers, nothing better than trying to conceive a child while your current light and joy snores just three feet away. I was still hopeful though, even if conception didn't occur this time I could try another round in a couple weeks.
Side Note-In the mean time I visited the Endocrinologist. I have a pre-existing thyroid condition that was diagnosed when I was 11. I very rarely notice the symptoms, occasionally when I am sick I will get a goiter(enlarged area on my throat just above the collar bone). My hands are constantly cold due to poor circulation, same for my feet. And, the kicker, causes it to be extremely difficult to lose weight. I also love to sleep, convinced I could sleep 14 hours a day. I love my new endocrinologist, last one told me I was fat and needed to lose 2 inches off my waist and tried to make it seem ok that he said that by saying "for metabolic reasons of course." What my brain heard was "For metabolic reasons, you're fat." He also has the nastiest receptionist I have ever met who without fail lost my referral EVERY TIME, then claimed it was my fault. Needless to say, was not sad to leave there. My new doctor, she's actually a CRNP specializing in endocrinology, however was wonderful, spent a lot of time discussing my history with me and asking about new symptoms. She has so far been much more thorough about my fertility problems then any other doctor I have seen, she ordered blood work to test for 55 different things! The original count for blood viles when I went to the lab was 18. Luckily many of the tests could share a tube so it only ended up being 9, but I still had to be fasting. My loving husband was kind enough to take me and then buy me breakfast after. Looking forward to hearing those test results, I see her again on the 9th.
We never got the opportunity to try another round, three weeks later I was still without a period or positive pregnancy test. I bought in bulk from Amazon and was flying through those bad boys like they were going out of style, I just kept telling myself "I wasn't far enough along yesterday, todays will turn." or "These must be bad because they were so cheap." and my favorite, "I'm going to become a millionaire by going on 'I didn't know I was pregnant!'" Alas, after five weeks I knew it had just not happened. So I called the doctor, after calling every day for a week I finally got a hold of him. Mind you I am already annoyed by this part because it took me a week and 6 messages to finally get a call back. He was very brief with me on the phone, barely remembering any details of my previous visit or details of my medical history. He informed me that the level of clomid he had put me on was the highest he was allowed to prescribe(why you would start at the highest is beyond me...) and that my condition was too severe for him and I would need to make an appointment with a specialist. So, once again I had my hopes up only to have them squashed. I did make an appointment to see a specialist, my insurance covers the consultation and I figured a second opinion wouldn't hurt even if we couldn't afford extensive fertility treatments. However the first they could fit me in, March 19th, 2012. Super. I get to spend another 8 weeks wondering what will happen...
I want to assure you I am not writing this blog to get pity for me and my family. I have been asked my many friends, relatives and close acquaintances what is going on in my life. I know this sounds like an innocent question, but lately it has come with such a loaded background it is just easier to say "not much, how bout you." Mostly because the truth is much to painful to discuss. How do you tell someone, who you have now known for years, that you just found out you are infertile and could possibly never carry another child? Yea... I had a hard time with that too. So, it was just easier to keep it private only telling select family and friends. I guess I just kept hoping that, A- It was all a dream and I would wake up one morning 6 months pregnant. or B- I would successfully get pregnant and we wouldn't need to share many details of the painful journey. But since we have not had success so far, it is getting more difficult to hide the truth. And to be honest, I am done with hiding. I am not ashamed, I am emotionally hurt, but not ashamed.
I will be using this blog as my own way of updating friends and family, as well as a way for me to find some comfort in what is happening. Feel free to tune in once, everyday, or never, but the option is there for you. : )
General timeline.
When Mike and I got married, I was ready for more babies! He was not. Thinking I could gently persuade him I got my IUD taken out thinking, this way when the time is right I won't have to schedule the appointment etc etc. However, after many fights we finally agreed to wait another year until our first anniversary. I push my husband into lots of things he doesn't always want so I knew this couldn't be one of them. I quietly counted down the days. In January I started working full time, shortly after my periods started getting farther and farther apart. I didn't run to the doctor very quick because I knew it would mean a pelvic exam and blood work. I talked it up to stress and went about my life. It wasn't until April I knew I needed to go. I started skipping entire months going up to 10 weeks in between periods. I saw my doctor in July for my annual. She was mildly concerned, but because of a pre-existing thyroid condition she wanted to observe for another few months. Finally in October I scheduled the Ultra Sound. At this point is was baby making season and I needed to know what was wrong.
November 2nd, 2011. I got the call from my doctor, just two days after my ultra sound when the technician said it would probably take a week. My heart hit the floor when I was given the diagnosis. That day I called 8 different OB/GYN's in the area to get an appointment. I had stopped seeing my last GYN after Molly was born. My primary, who I love, was willing to take over my yearly exams and I wasn't interested in making two different appointments each year. So, the hunt was on to find a new doctor.
Doctor number one, who shall remain nameless, was able to see me rather quickly. So I figured, why not. He was foreign and somewhat difficult to understand. He also had a complete lack of bedside manner and basically told me I needed to lose 10-15lbs before he would discuss fertility options. After of course pointing out the affected areas. Devastated, I left the office crying and vowed never to return.
Doctor number two! This was the doctor I was more looking forward to seeing, mostly because he came highly recommended from the women I was working with at the time. I was very pleased with my appointment with him, I didn't even see an exam room, we just sat down in his office for a consultation. He made me feel good about my chances of conceiving with very little interventions. He immediately gave me two prescriptions, provera and clomid. I left that appointment crying also, but only because I was completely relieved and for once hopeful.
After getting home with my drugs I realized I was not given many instructions on how they were to be taken. He told me, Provera give you a period and is to be taken on days 1-10 and Clomid makes you ovulate and should be taken on days 5-9. So in my mind, Provera day one you get your period then start Clomid. When I got home I started looking at the prescription bottles and the directions for Provera state "Take one pill vaginally once a day as directed by a doctor." Ok, a little weird especially because I am thinking I will be getting my period in a couple of days and then have to continue shoving pills up there... Whatever! If that's what it takes! I took two days this way before thinking there was something not quite right... After extensive research and several angry phone calls to the pharmacy, one in which they SWEAR that is how it was written on the prescription reveal that this is indeed an oral medication. Don't worry, my family has yet to let me live that one down. I also found out quite a few more directions on how the medications were supposed to be taken, Provera 1-10, period starts sometime between the last pill and two weeks after the last pill. Then Clomid was days 5-9 of period.
After ironing out all the kinks we were off! With directions to "hit it hard" on day 14 we attempted to do just that. I say attempted, because day 14 happened to fall on day 2 of a previously planned Disney trip. One where we shared a room with our three year old daughter... Yuppers, nothing better than trying to conceive a child while your current light and joy snores just three feet away. I was still hopeful though, even if conception didn't occur this time I could try another round in a couple weeks.
Side Note-In the mean time I visited the Endocrinologist. I have a pre-existing thyroid condition that was diagnosed when I was 11. I very rarely notice the symptoms, occasionally when I am sick I will get a goiter(enlarged area on my throat just above the collar bone). My hands are constantly cold due to poor circulation, same for my feet. And, the kicker, causes it to be extremely difficult to lose weight. I also love to sleep, convinced I could sleep 14 hours a day. I love my new endocrinologist, last one told me I was fat and needed to lose 2 inches off my waist and tried to make it seem ok that he said that by saying "for metabolic reasons of course." What my brain heard was "For metabolic reasons, you're fat." He also has the nastiest receptionist I have ever met who without fail lost my referral EVERY TIME, then claimed it was my fault. Needless to say, was not sad to leave there. My new doctor, she's actually a CRNP specializing in endocrinology, however was wonderful, spent a lot of time discussing my history with me and asking about new symptoms. She has so far been much more thorough about my fertility problems then any other doctor I have seen, she ordered blood work to test for 55 different things! The original count for blood viles when I went to the lab was 18. Luckily many of the tests could share a tube so it only ended up being 9, but I still had to be fasting. My loving husband was kind enough to take me and then buy me breakfast after. Looking forward to hearing those test results, I see her again on the 9th.
We never got the opportunity to try another round, three weeks later I was still without a period or positive pregnancy test. I bought in bulk from Amazon and was flying through those bad boys like they were going out of style, I just kept telling myself "I wasn't far enough along yesterday, todays will turn." or "These must be bad because they were so cheap." and my favorite, "I'm going to become a millionaire by going on 'I didn't know I was pregnant!'" Alas, after five weeks I knew it had just not happened. So I called the doctor, after calling every day for a week I finally got a hold of him. Mind you I am already annoyed by this part because it took me a week and 6 messages to finally get a call back. He was very brief with me on the phone, barely remembering any details of my previous visit or details of my medical history. He informed me that the level of clomid he had put me on was the highest he was allowed to prescribe(why you would start at the highest is beyond me...) and that my condition was too severe for him and I would need to make an appointment with a specialist. So, once again I had my hopes up only to have them squashed. I did make an appointment to see a specialist, my insurance covers the consultation and I figured a second opinion wouldn't hurt even if we couldn't afford extensive fertility treatments. However the first they could fit me in, March 19th, 2012. Super. I get to spend another 8 weeks wondering what will happen...
I want to assure you I am not writing this blog to get pity for me and my family. I have been asked my many friends, relatives and close acquaintances what is going on in my life. I know this sounds like an innocent question, but lately it has come with such a loaded background it is just easier to say "not much, how bout you." Mostly because the truth is much to painful to discuss. How do you tell someone, who you have now known for years, that you just found out you are infertile and could possibly never carry another child? Yea... I had a hard time with that too. So, it was just easier to keep it private only telling select family and friends. I guess I just kept hoping that, A- It was all a dream and I would wake up one morning 6 months pregnant. or B- I would successfully get pregnant and we wouldn't need to share many details of the painful journey. But since we have not had success so far, it is getting more difficult to hide the truth. And to be honest, I am done with hiding. I am not ashamed, I am emotionally hurt, but not ashamed.
I will be using this blog as my own way of updating friends and family, as well as a way for me to find some comfort in what is happening. Feel free to tune in once, everyday, or never, but the option is there for you. : )
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