Difficult Week

There are few words to describe the week myself and my family have had. I feel like my last post was so easy to write, so full of hope, looking forward to what may come, this post is much more difficult. Too many emotions not enough ways to express them.
Tuesday I woke up starving, which is extremely unusual for me. I very rarely want to eat breakfast, I normally force myself to eat something. I thought, here we go again, I am imagining symptoms of being pregnant. This has happened multiple times to me throughout this journey, I would be a day or two late for my period and instantly feel nauseous, or constantly hungry. Since I buy pregnancy strips online in bulk I didn't see the harm in taking one. Thinking the negative I have gotten so used to seeing would stop all my fantasy symptoms. My mother likes to joke that I don't know how to pee without doing so on a stick, I like to correct her and explain I actually pee into a cup and then dip the stick. To my surprise that test came up with a very faint positive line. Awesome, not only am I imagining symptoms now I am imagining positive pregnancy tests! So I took a picture of the test and sent it to my BFF to see if she could confirm my findings. Sure enough, she saw both lines too! Could this be it? Did it finally work? Would the Cobb family be adding another addition finally? Over the next three days I got four more positive pregnancy tests, one of which was a Clear Blue digital. I will never forget how it felt to see that one simple word pop up on that test. What a wonderful evening I spent with my family, just in bliss because it was finally happening.
Over the next few days we started telling a few family and friends. Still cautious, but not wanting to contain the excitement any longer. I even bought our "kids" matching big brother and big sister shirts to wear and filmed my precious child announcing the news to my mom. Words cannot explain that feeling. Seeing her so excited, and seeing my mom so excited. It was awesome.
Friday I spent the day running around and packing for a weekend away with friends. We had decided it would be at the WV cabin we would announce our news to our closest friends. I noticed some spotting in the evening and immediately started panicking.  I googled like a crazy person and told myself this was normal and all would be ok. Of course the following morning my worst fears were confirmed. I had miscarried at four weeks. If I hadn't been testing early I probably would have never known I was pregnant because my bleeding was on schedule with my period. I didn't know what to do, I had nothing, one tampon in my car, and was in a house full of seven other adults. Only two besides myself even knew I was "pregnant". I went and told Mike what had happened then quietly excused myself to the store and cried the entire way there. Part of me felt silly, I really wasn't even pregnant, maybe for like two days. But really, I wasn't. Just for once in this journey I had a genuine feeling of hopelessness. Luckily the time away gave me a chance to call my mom and return to the cabin with a dry face. Although upon getting home from the cabin I promptly blocked all expectant mothers from my facebook news feed. I just can't be happy for them right now. I was able to make it through the weekend without having an embarrassing emotional melt down, but since being home it has hit me a few different times where I just had to sit down and cry.
One moment was when trying to explain to Molly that we had made a mistake and there was not a baby in my belly. She tried to be sweet, I think she could tell the conversation was hard for me and she said "I still love your baby even if it isn't in your belly anymore." When did she get to be so grown up that she is able to comfort her own mother? We stayed pretty busy today to attempt to avoid those moments where I knew grief would sneak up on me. I just hope I can come up with a project in the next few days that will be large enough to keep me busy until this feeling goes away. I know that isn't the most rational way to handle emotions, but sometimes distraction is easier then spending several days crying which is what I would really prefer to do. Besides the fact that I have had toe curling cramps for three days now and haven't been able to be away for a bathroom for longer then a few hours since Saturday morning. Whoever said mother nature is beautiful hasn't experienced rejection like this.
I hope that my next post is more up-beat. I will be seeing the endocrinologist on 26th, where I will end up re-telling this whole story, hopefully I can keep from crying in her office.