Drugs

Left- Chapstick for comparison. Middle- Calcium/Vitamin D. Right- Metaformin(don't forget, the goal is to get to four of these a day!) If this is what it takes to get pregnant... Bring it on.

Left- Morning multi-vitamin. Middle- Calcium/Vitamin D. 2nd Middle- Metaformin. Right- Synthroid.

Had an awesome visit with the endocrinologist today. Love her more every time I see her. She printed me out a copy of that massive blood work I just had done and actually went over it with me step by step. I almost fainted right there in the office. THIS is the difference between CRNP and MD. She took the time to answer questions I had about certain levels and explain where they should be etc. It was wonderful. She also gave me a packet with some awesome diet changes as well as a link to her blog. I know! A medical professional with a blog. I can't wait to read it. She said the whole month of January is about insulin resistance.
Basic jist of the blood work. Testosterone was high, should be between 2-45 and I am at 54. So not a huge jump out of the norm, but does confirm the PCOS diagnosis.
Vitamin D was low, I knew it would be I am TERRIBLE about taking vitamins. I can't take a multi-vitamin, or anything with iron, at the same time as my Synthroid which I take in the evening. Which means I have to take multi-vitamins in the morning, which just about never happens.
My thyroid levels were higher then she wanted them also, currently at 2.68 and she would prefer it around 1. Which means my Synthroid got bumped up and she will re-check it in a few weeks when I go to see her again. Hoping that helps with the energy level. Seem to notice I feel like sleeping a lot more lately, originally was concerned I was getting depressed. Hopefully the bump up will help with that.
So, what does all this mean... DRUGS! Since provera and clomid did not really work I am starting Metaformin. It is a drug used to treat insulin resistance which is the primary cause of PCOS. Finally, a doctor who is ready to treat the cause not just the symptoms! It is primarily used for people with type two diabetes, which I do not have, but have a similar kind of insulin resistance. That and diet change have upwards of 85% success rate in regulating menstruation in PCOS patients. Only catch is that it is hard on the stomach and some people cannot handle the side effects from it, mainly nausea and diarrhea. What fun I have in store for me. She started me on one 500 mg pill a day, taking with the largest meal of the day. After a week if I am still feeling ok I bump up to two pills. Increasing each one pill each week. The end goal is to get to four a day. That is where the highest success rates are, improvements can be seen on the lower doses just not as likely. So, for now, canceling the appointment with the fertility specialist and going to give this a few months. It is nice to know there is another option for me! That's the general update for the day, posted a few pictures so you can enjoy my new drug regimen!

Mickey

So for those of you who do not already know, we recently rescued a 6 year old English Springer Spaniel who we have named Mickey. My yearning for a dog started around the same time I was diagnosed with PCOS. I just felt a void, I wanted(want) another child and knew it was going to take time, I was concerned I would drive myself insane before the time actually came and convinced Mike to let me get a dog. That was one of those times I pushed him into something I don't think he truly wanted. And now I am concerned I am seeing the repercussions of my actions. 
When we were first approved through the rescue Mid-Atlantic English Springer Spaniel Rescue (MAESSR for short) we were put on a waiting list. Because we were very specific about a few things, child savvy dog, good with other dogs and cats, we were non-specific about other things, age, color, sex, size. The rescue also warned us it may take a little longer because of our needs. Shortly before Christmas we were offered a dog, his name at the time was Cody and every volunteer that had met him had nothing but wonderful things to say about him. he was reportedly excellent with children, other dogs and cats. We had found our match!! Because of a pre-arranged trip planned for the beginning of January we arranged pick-up for the day after we got home, January 7th.
I was so excited the day I drove to get him I kept feeling like I was going to cry! Meeting him was wonderful, it wasn't until I sat down to sign the papers that I learned the baggage we were taking on. He was overdue to be groomed by what looked like several weeks, I was initially fine with this but after writing my $225 check I thought, why couldn't they have taken care of this BEFORE we came to adopt him. The foster mom then handed over his medication which she said was for a thyroid condition. I'm thinking, no problem, we can bond over it!
When I got home I immediately called Petsmart to get him in to be groomed the following day, and started researching his medication. I come to find out this is actually an Anti-Anxiety med. I was completely shocked, not only had the rescue failed to mention he was on meds for anxiety I had no clue what he was on them for. Does he get aggressive? Is he destructive? What can I look forward to if I decide to wean him off these meds? I e-mailed the foster mom that day to get more information, three days later she finally came back with a very vague and obnoxious answer. "When we took him to the vet for the first time he was just so anxious I couldn't bear to see him that way." Great, thank you for all the details. The woman then failed to deposit the check I wrote her for three weeks, even after I called and e-mailed her multiple times. Decided to keep him on the meds, which they gave me a fair supply of, until we visited our vet for the first time.
What turned out to be a case of kennel cough took us to the vet sooner then planned. She was very helpful, explaining that Springers have a tendency to be an anxious breed, especially when there living situations change, much like his had in the last few months. $115 later, we were leaving the vet with meds for Kennel Cough and some information about natural ways to treat anxiety.
A few weeks later, we felt his kennel cough had mostly recovered and we were ready to try him off the anxiety meds. First few days were fine, probably some still left in his system. About a week after taking him off his meds we started to notice a change in behavior, he started to become very attached to me, not getting out of bed in the morning until I did, refusing to eat any meals unless I was sitting in the room with him, much more growling at Molly and Mike. A couple times got to the point that he needed a "time-out" in his crate for growling at one of them. He also continuously licks things and will bark at just about any noise.
Initially I wasn't noticing this as a problem, yes, he barks. Ok, so sometimes he isn't very tolerant of Molly. It finally took me seeing him in action against Mike to realize there was an issue that needed to be addressed. I started him back on his meds today while I try to figure out what to do. I really don't like the idea of him being drugged. But I also don't know what it feels like for him to constantly be so anxious. And of course I don't feel like Mike has been much help, I tried to explain to him that Mickey still doesn't know him very well yet and it is part of his anxiety towards him. Mike works and goes to school the majority of the day, on weekdays we only see him for a few hours in the evening after he is done at work. And he still has to work every other weekend. So to Mickey, he is a stranger. Especially since I do everything for him, taking him on several walks a day, letting him outside to go to the bathroom, feeding him meals, giving him baths. Why is it my fault the dog likes me better?
But this was not meant to be my dog, it was meant to be our family dog. How are we supposed to have a family dog if that dog only likes one member of the family? Should I just get over thinking about him being drugged and just do what helps him?

A summary of the last six months.

So as the title suggests I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. For those unfamiliar, I will give you a brief description of what that means. For child-bearing females, every month an egg ripens into what is know as a cyst, when ovulation occurs that cyst ruptures and the egg travels down the fallopian tube. For women with PCOS the cyst forms, then never ruptures. Because of this the ovaries end up covered in cysts and ovulation eventually stops all together. This was pretty much the way it happened for me.

General timeline.
When Mike and I got married, I was ready for more babies! He was not. Thinking I could gently persuade him I got my IUD taken out thinking, this way when the time is right I won't have to schedule the appointment etc etc. However, after many fights we finally agreed to wait another year until our first anniversary. I push my husband into lots of things he doesn't always want so I knew this couldn't be one of them. I quietly counted down the days. In January I started working full time, shortly after my periods started getting farther and farther apart. I didn't run to the doctor very quick because I knew it would mean a pelvic exam and blood work. I talked it up to stress and went about my life. It wasn't until April I knew I needed to go. I started skipping entire months going up to 10 weeks in between periods. I saw my doctor in July for my annual. She was mildly concerned, but because of a pre-existing thyroid condition she wanted to observe for another few months. Finally in October I scheduled the Ultra Sound. At this point is was baby making season and I needed to know what was wrong.
November 2nd, 2011. I got the call from my doctor, just two days after my ultra sound when the technician said it would probably take a week. My heart hit the floor when I was given the diagnosis. That day I called 8 different OB/GYN's in the area to get an appointment. I had stopped seeing my last GYN after Molly was born. My primary, who I love, was willing to take over my yearly exams and I wasn't interested in making two different appointments each year. So, the hunt was on to find a new doctor.
Doctor number one, who shall remain nameless, was able to see me rather quickly. So I figured, why not. He was foreign and somewhat difficult to understand. He also had a complete lack of bedside manner and basically told me I needed to lose 10-15lbs before he would discuss fertility options. After of course pointing out the affected areas. Devastated, I left the office crying and vowed never to return.
Doctor number two! This was the doctor I was more looking forward to seeing, mostly because he came highly recommended from the women I was working with at the time. I was very pleased with my appointment with him, I didn't even see an exam room, we just sat down in his office for a consultation. He made me feel good about my chances of conceiving with very little interventions. He immediately gave me two prescriptions, provera and clomid. I left that appointment crying also, but only because I was completely relieved and for once hopeful.
After getting home with my drugs I realized I was not given many instructions on how they were to be taken. He told me, Provera give you a period and is to be taken on days 1-10 and Clomid makes you ovulate and should be taken on days 5-9. So in my mind, Provera day one you get your period then start Clomid. When I got home I started looking at the prescription bottles and the directions for Provera state "Take one pill vaginally once a day as directed by a doctor." Ok, a little weird especially because I am thinking I will be getting my period in a couple of days and then have to continue shoving pills up there... Whatever! If that's what it takes! I took two days this way before thinking there was something not quite right... After extensive research and several angry phone calls to the pharmacy, one in which they SWEAR that is how it was written on the prescription reveal that this is indeed an oral medication. Don't worry, my family has yet to let me live that one down. I also found out quite a few more directions on how the medications were supposed to be taken, Provera 1-10, period starts sometime between the last pill and two weeks after the last pill. Then Clomid was days 5-9 of period.
After ironing out all the kinks we were off! With directions to "hit it hard" on day 14 we attempted to do just that. I say attempted, because day 14 happened to fall on day 2 of a previously planned Disney trip. One where we shared a room with our three year old daughter... Yuppers, nothing better than trying to conceive a child while your current light and joy snores just three feet away. I was still hopeful though, even if conception didn't occur this time I could try another round in a couple weeks.
Side Note-In the mean time I visited the Endocrinologist. I have a pre-existing thyroid condition that was diagnosed when I was 11. I very rarely notice the symptoms, occasionally when I am sick I will get a goiter(enlarged area on my throat just above the collar bone). My hands are constantly cold due to poor circulation, same for my feet. And, the kicker, causes it to be extremely difficult to lose weight. I also love to sleep, convinced I could sleep 14 hours a day. I love my new endocrinologist, last one told me I was fat and needed to lose 2 inches off my waist and tried to make it seem ok that he said that by saying "for metabolic reasons of course." What my brain heard was "For metabolic reasons, you're fat." He also has the nastiest receptionist I have ever met who without fail lost my referral EVERY TIME, then claimed it was my fault. Needless to say, was not sad to leave there. My new doctor, she's actually a CRNP specializing in endocrinology, however was wonderful, spent a lot of time discussing my history with me and asking about new symptoms. She has so far been much more thorough about my fertility problems then any other doctor I have seen, she ordered blood work to test for 55 different things! The original count for blood viles when I went to the lab was 18. Luckily many of the tests could share a tube so it only ended up being 9, but I still had to be fasting. My loving husband was kind enough to take me and then buy me breakfast after. Looking forward to hearing those test results, I see her again on the 9th.
We never got the opportunity to try another round, three weeks later I was still without a period or positive pregnancy test. I bought in bulk from Amazon and was flying through those bad boys like they were going out of style, I just kept telling myself "I wasn't far enough along yesterday, todays will turn." or "These must be bad because they were so cheap." and my favorite, "I'm going to become a millionaire by going on 'I didn't know I was pregnant!'" Alas, after five weeks I knew it had just not happened. So I called the doctor, after calling every day for a week I finally got a hold of him. Mind you I am already annoyed by this part because it took me a week and 6 messages to finally get a call back. He was very brief with me on the phone, barely remembering any details of my previous visit or details of my medical history.  He informed me that the level of clomid he had put me on was the highest he was allowed to prescribe(why you would start at the highest is beyond me...) and that my condition was too severe for him and I would need to make an appointment with a specialist. So, once again I had my hopes up only to have them squashed. I did make an appointment to see a specialist, my insurance covers the consultation and I figured a second opinion wouldn't hurt even if we couldn't afford extensive fertility treatments. However the first they could fit me in, March 19th, 2012. Super. I get to spend another 8 weeks wondering what will happen...



I want to assure you I am not writing this blog to get pity for me and my family. I have been asked my many friends, relatives and close acquaintances what is going on in my life. I know this sounds like an innocent question, but lately it has come with such a loaded background it is just easier to say "not much, how bout you." Mostly because the truth is much to painful to discuss. How do you tell someone, who you have now known for years, that you just found out you are infertile and could possibly never carry another child? Yea... I had a hard time with that too. So, it was just easier to keep it private only telling select family and friends. I guess I just kept hoping that, A- It was all a dream and I would wake up one morning 6 months pregnant. or B- I would successfully get pregnant and we wouldn't need to share many details of the painful journey. But since we have not had success so far, it is getting more difficult to hide the truth. And to be honest, I am done with hiding. I am not ashamed, I am emotionally hurt, but not ashamed.
I will be using this blog as my own way of updating friends and family, as well as a way for me to find some comfort in what is happening. Feel free to tune in once, everyday, or never, but the option is there for you. : )